Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Shame - A Conversation with a Monster

I sat in the dimly lit room looking at my son riled by pain. It was not a physical pain but real all the same. He was attempting to shield himself from the world as he hid below the blanket. In the next few moments I shared a conversation with the one who held my son captive for the last two years. He spoke to me from his triumphant seat on top of my child’s chest as a lion with its newly captured prey, claws dug in and its teeth piecing the flesh. I was immobilized with fear.

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“You thought because you gave birth to him he was yours didn’t you? What an arrogant fool! Your Martha Stewart ways are useless attempts to make you feel secure,” it hissed.

“He is mine,” I am not sure if the words left my mouth or if my lips just motioned them.

“Look at him here with me. He knows me and I know him,” its boneless body slid under my son’s arm and out again. “Let us be. Go make some cookies.”

“I can’t leave him.”

“You can’t leave him?” he mocked. “Didn’t you already leave him time and time again? He tried to tell you. He tried to talk to you. I am the only one who never left him. Go on and do what you do best, crack a joke and lighten the tension you created.”

“There is no joke. I never…” I could barely reply as I felt this monster reach across the room with one of its numerous arms, it grabbed hold of my heart and made it difficult to breathe.

“Justin. Hide, my child. Hide,” it attempted to pacify Justin within its arms.

“No! He is not your child!” The words flew out of my mouth. I felt like David just after he got the attention of Goliath on the battlefield.

“You dare to argue against me? You know you can’t win! I have already begun to twist my lies around your heart. I will control you as well.”

“I will wage war against you with all that I have.”

“But look at him, he knows me better than he even knows you anymore. Let us be.”

“I will fight you and your hold on us. I will get my son back and I will stop you from silencing him.”

I moved to the couch where my son lay. I pulled back the blankets and gently ran my hand through his hair. I felt the burden of this new companion whose claws were now dug into me as well. As I calmly hushed his fears I whispered, “Shhhhhh.”

The creature echoed me, “Shhhhhh. Hush, children. Rest here with me together.”

I knew it wanted me to be silent just as it had silenced my son. I felt so weak. I felt like a gazelle that was slowly being devoured from the backside with my eyes wide open and my mind still aware. I wanted to scream and make it all stop. I am not sure how I carried on but I did. I don’t know how anyone carries on in these moments but somehow you do.

2 comments:

David Marsh said...

Always supporting all those whose who expose this massive problem of "Child Abuse" from all your frineds at Tom Thumb and friends. Thank you.

David Marsh said...

Always supporting all those who expose this massive problem of child abuse in all our communities, from all your friends at http://www.tomthub.info/ Thank you.

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I am an average mom who loves her kids. I never thought it could happen to us but it did. My son was abused. Words to live by: Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.